


Most Internet Smut Is Written By Virgins, Just So You Know

by razthelin (zarinthel)



Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 06:35:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18005717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarinthel/pseuds/razthelin
Summary: Tatsuma comes down with a libido-boosting virus and decides that it's the perfect time for a visit to Earth.





	Most Internet Smut Is Written By Virgins, Just So You Know

Tatsuma had contracted Alien Vector XXX (lol) in a dirty spaceport bathroom, exactly the place where one would expect to contract AVXXX (lol). In terms of alien diseases, it really didn’t do anything interesting. All it did was--

 

 _“Mu-tsuuu,”_ He whined, making grabby hands at her cape as she tried to kick him of the spaceship and onto the pretty planet Earth. “I’m being reverse-Shanghai’d!” 

 

“It’s called being abandoned for incompetence,” Mutsu said, coldly shoving him away. He pouted even more.

 

“But I’m the captain! Right, right! Aha! Ahaha! Mutsu, you wouldn’t--”

 

The nice policemen were kind enough to give him an escort all the way across town! How convenient! They kept insisting that there was no Kintoki in this part of the city, and that that was a stupid name anyway, which was at least true, but they shouldn’t say it, because Kintoki was Tatsuma’s friend!

 

So, after that issue with the policemen was resolved in a satisfactory matter, Tatsuma found himself at (tragic) loose ends, right in front of Yorozuya Gin-chan’s place of business! It seemed Kintoki had simply accustomed himself to being misnamed...

 

Tatsuma casually dusted himself off, cleared his throat, and strolled right in to the residence. He’d helped pay repair costs once, remember, fans of continuity? He totally had at least partial ownership of this place. 

 

Aha! Ahah! Ha!

 

The place was strangely quiet. 

 

“Hey~ Kintoki~ Kin-chan~” Tatsuma aimlessly wandered through the open living room area and the kitchen area before coming to the delayed conclusion that despite it being the middle of the day, there was another room! The bedroom. Amazing. 

 

“Are you here~” Hmmm... the bedroom Looked empty...

 

Tatsuma took a running start, and barreled straight on top of the suspicious looking lump in the futon, which gave a familiar sounding shriek of horror. 

 

“Hiding from someone? Aha! Ahahaha!” 

 

Kintoki swore, squirming under the blanket. “Tatsuma!? Tatsuma, what the hell are you doing here! I was having a day off-- I mean, uh, I’m terribly sick and the brats are doing their best to earn money for their sick boss, yeah! I’m sick, Tatsuma! Get off and go buy me ice cream or something!” 

 

But he didn’t want to!

 

“I don’t want to do that, Kintoki!” Tatsuma had been feeling the effects of Alien Vector XXX (lol) all day, and the symptoms were really boring. “I wanna have sex with you!”

 

They only did one thing. They made their carrier. Have a very, very.. High.. libido. 

 

There was a strange, strangled noise from underneath the blankets, and the Kintoki made a final surge and freed his head from the cloth prison, staring directly up at Tatsuma, who winked at him. 

 

_“What!?”_

“You sound surprised!” Tatsuma talked right through him. “I’m very horny right now, and I thought, who do I know that’s always up for sex and is never doing anything in the middle of the day? Aha!Ahahaha!” Clearly, that’s Kintoki. “So? Do you want me to buy a love hotel room?” 

 

Gintoki licked his lips. “I didn’t want the brats to come back and see me slacking, so I sent them out to go mushroom picking in the mountains, or something,” he admitted.

 

“We can have sex in your room then,” Tatsuma said agreeably. Gintoki seemed to choke a tiny bit every time he said that. It was really.... Cute. Tatsuma removed his glasses, carefully folding them up and setting them to the side. He wanted to be seeing all of this without risking them getting fogged up. He then did the same with his guns. 

 

Oh, yeah. 

 

“Hey Kin-chan,” Tatsuma looked back, and then suddenly lost his words when he saw Gintoki kick the blanket off the futon, and then dig around under a loose panel of the flooring to find where he clearly kept his porn magazines and lube bottle. He got hit with another sudden desire to--

 

Tatsuma smiled at Gintoki, letting a little of that show through. “Hey Kin-chan, remember back when I asked you if you were into handcuffs? And you were like, who doesn’t like a little XXX with their ****, am I right?” He took off his coat, enjoying the warm air against his bare arms, and laughed. 

 

Gintoki snorted, his face twisting into a vague leer as he reached for the back of his shirt collar, tugging the black shirt up over his head as his mouth continued to churn out words. 

 

“Tatsuma, I’m the type of man who goes to visit **** cosplay clubs and I like the ones where they dress up nice and special, right? That sort of short skirt, fishnet, with the little wink with the bunny ears like maybe they really don’t have a husband back at home waiting for them after their night hours? Getting lipstick on my--

 

Tatsuma stepped out of his shoes, and then hooked Gintoki’s legs out from under him, dropping him onto his back on the futon with his hands still tangled in his shirt. Gintoki’s normal yukata was tangled around his waist, leaving a wide expanse of his stomach and chest exposed to Tatsuma’s eyes. 

 

He’d been trying to go easy, but it was-- difficult. He’d always been greedy. He wanted to eat Gintoki whole, savour him bit by bit. Tatsuma ignored Gintoki’s curses as he, slowly, carefully, knelt down and pressed his knees into the fabric gathered up around Gintoki’s crotch. 

 

“Hey, Gintoki,” he murmured, mesmerized as he watched Gintoki’s lungs heave, watched the sweat start to bead across his stomach and slide in slow droplets. He placed one hand on Gin’s throat, felt the racing pulse in a slow, tender motion with his thumb. He let himself fall forward over his friend as his other hand traced it’s way up the nape of Gin’s neck, and got caught in Gintoki’s messy, tangled hair. “Is that a Justaway in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?” He laughed breathlessly, his entire body propped up just inches above Gintoki. 

 

Gintoki snarled at him. Cute!

 

“Tatsuma, you piece of--”

 

His lips looked really tempting. Tatsuma caught the lower lip in his mouth, biting on it just to feel it puff up. He really couldn’t help it, honest. He moved from Gintoki’s lip further into his mouth, searching for the faintest hints of strawberry milk. He felt Gintoki arch under him, and dug his knees even closer to Gintoki’s thighs, spreading them just a bit so that he has more balance. Not that it wouldn’t be funny if he lost his balance, ahaha. 

 

Gintoki’s tongue finally got in on the action, curling around in Tatsuma’s mouth. He reveled in that for a moment, and then broke the kiss, laughing above Gintoki once again.

 

“I haven’t even had breakfast today, Kintoki! And....” He ducked his face so that he could give a light nip to Gintoki’s throat. “The only sweet I’m going to eat today is you.” He beamed, looking back up at where Gintoki’s lips had already started to puff up. 

 

Gintoki spluttered, neck now turning a faint red. 

 

“Did you-- did you buy a ‘terrible pick up lines for losers’ handbook? Is that where this is coming from? Because I can tell you, there’s nothing sexy about them. It’s embarrassing to know you.” 

 

“Ahaha! Hey, Kintoki, did you know I once bought this entire shipment load of alien pornography, because I was like, this is always good, people love buying alien pornography,” Tatsuma’s eyes catch on Gintoki’s nipples. “And then I realized, people don’t want Actual alien pornography, they want a fantasy of sex where the monstrous is enamored by the mundane.” Tatsuma rubbed his thumb over one of the bright red nubs as he had done with Gintoki’s pulse mere lifetimes ago. “But I enjoy selling people new fantasies!” He grinned at Gintoki. “Got any requests?” 

 

Gintoki smiled up at him, hair all messed up, cheeks flushed, and a bit of drool making its was out of the corner of his mouth. 

 

“Can you just--” 

 

Tatsuma raked his nail across Gintoki’s nipple, feeling Gintoki’s heart stutter as he arched up towards Tatsuma. 

 

“Fucking hell, Tatsuma, can you just--”

 

“ _Fuck_ you?” Tatsuma tasted the words as he scraped his hand further down Gintoki’s stomach. “C’mon, Gintoki.... That’s not a very imaginative request.” 

 

Gintoki’s pupils darkened as he realized Tatsuma was in the mood to play. 

 

“Wait--”

 

“Too late, Kintoki!” Tatsuma licked his lips. “It seems like you’ve accidentally subscribed to the full service. Please contact our representatives to--” Gintoki bucked up into Tatsuma, managing to dislodge the knee Tatsuma had been using to keep his balance. Oops! “See about further offers,” Tatsuma finished, his elbows hitting the futon on either side of Gintoki’s head as he ground his cock into Gintoki’s, feeling the throbbing heat through the many layers of clothing that still separated them. 

 

“Haha, Kintoki, it looks like we forgot to finish getting undressed,” Tatsuma murmured, leaning down to run his tongue down the side of Gintoki’s ear. “That’s...” He rocked down into Gintoki again. “Too bad.” 

 

He could hear Gintoki swallow. 

 

“We could just do it like this,” Tatsuma suggested, mostly kidding. He bit down on Gintoki’s ear, just holding it in his mouth before releasing it. He could feel Gintoki’s chest every time it rose and fell, and it made him want to press down even further. “I could make you cum from this--” He cut himself off. “No, wait, that’s a stupid idea, I’d be missing out on being able to go down on you.” And that _would_ be a shame. 

 

Gintoki made a strangled, cut off sound. 

 

Tatsuma just-- He couldn’t help it, he had to get closer, he wanted to rip Gintoki’s heart right out of his chest and take a bite out of it. 

 

“ _Kin_ toki...” He whined, scraping his teeth over the red flush that had started to fill through Gintoki’s neck and cheeks. “It’s not _fair_ , you getting to be so cute! How’m I s’pposed ta...” He trailed off, losing his train of thought as he started dragging his hands underneath Gintoki’s body, slowly pulling himself down Gintoki’s stomach so he could enjoy the friction across Gintoki’s sweaty skin. “Hey, Kintoki, why do you wear so many _clothes_...” 

 

“I-it’s called a _signature look_ , idiot,” Gintoki managed, though his voice sounded kinda wrecked. Weird, when he hadn’t really been making any effort to make Gintoki make any of the Good noises yet. “All the cool kids have one.” 

 

“Wow, really? I had no idea!” Tatsuma dug his fingers into Gintoki’s yukata and made the completely rational decision to rip it completely down one side in order to get it off faster. 

 

There was a short, blank pause on Gintoki’s end of the conversation, so Tatsuma moved on to tucking his thumbs into Gintoki’s pants.

 

“Hey. Ta..tsuma.” Tatsuma looked up from his focus on getting closer to Gintoki’s dick. Wow, Gintoki was _really_ red. He looked-- Tatsuma unconsciously licked his lips. “Tatsuma. Why’re you... still wearing.. Your shirt and your pants?” 

 

Whoops!

 

“I don’t wanna let go of you long enough to take them off,” Tatsuma said cheerfully. And he still didn’t! “It’s okay, I don’t need to be naked until we fuck, which isn’t gonna be until you’ve already had one orgasm!” Unless Tatsuma got impatient. “So probably, by the time we get that far you won’t really be processing anything, haha.” 

 

Gintoki’s head thunked down against the futon as his hips buckled upwards, his writhing doing more to hinder than help Tatsuma get his pants off. Tatsuma had to put his full, weighted arm down on Gintoki’s stomach to get him back against the futon. 

 

“Kintoki...” Tatsuma whined. “You’re making this really hard! You usually don’t even do anything, since you’re lazy and you like me doing all the work!” And then the one time Tatsuma was ready and willing to fuck him into the floor and he was squirming around! Tatsuma finally got Gintoki’s pants low enough down his legs that he could get at all the important stuff. He blinked at the stråwberry print underwear. There was a very telling stain right where Gintoki’s cock was straining against the cheap cotton print. 

 

“That’s...” Gintoki responded to him through gritted teeth. “Because I _am_ hard, you complete idiot.” He made another muffled noise as he tried to get his legs untangled from his pants. 

 

Tatsuma was having a lot of problems comprehending anything Gintoki was saying. His voice rasped a bit as he dragged his gaze upwards to meet Gintoki’s dilated eyes. He wanted to say this to Gintoki’s face, or well, while looking at Gintoki’s face, since he really wasn’t anywhere near it, ahaha....

 

“Hey.... Gintoki.” The words were thick, like syrup pouring from his mouth. “Those strawberries... they're adorable. I just want to....” He slowly dropped his head down, and blew out his breath, his mouth hovering mere inches above a _particular_ strawberry that was just... straining the fabric. 

 

...

 

He was horny, so it was okay, right? Right?? A little bit OOC is expected of R rated works, so it’s fine.. It’s fine...

 

Tatsuma put his mouth over the tip of Gintoki’s cock through the thin, never going to be wearable again fabric of Gintoki’s underwear. The fabric tasted bad, but Gintoki’s full body arch and accompanying scream were-- He tilted his face to the side, pressed in so that his cheek could rub against that cute print while he closed his teeth over a piece of the fabric that was right up against his inner thigh, and bit down. 

 

He heard the underwear rip, and pulled back up with it still in his teeth. The grin that was forming, he couldn’t help that, alright? Alright? Gintoki, why are you looking at him like that? It’s just the AVXXX*, okay? 

 

*(lol)

 

He spat the remains of the cloth out of his mouth and went down on Gintoki. This was the fun part, after all! He actually had a very sensitive gag reflex, ahahaha, so deep throating was out of the question, but he could still-- Tatsuma clawed his mind back out of its spiral. He didn’t get to have sex with Gintoki very often, so he was going to take his time, alien virus or no alien virus. 

 

“Hurry up already,” Gintoki rasped, because he was nothing if not contrary. “What, gonna chicken out now? I’ve got blue balls, you shady con man.” 

 

Tatsuma spoke without taking Gintoki’s cock out of his mouth, letting the sound vibrations take their natural course. The words came out slurred, but he didn’t have the presence of mind to care about minor things like that. 

 

“It’s...” He hummed, his tongue pressed against the underside of Gintoki’s dick, tasting that salty sweet reflection of Gintoki’s poorly hidden desperation. “The.. other way ‘round, Gin-chan.” He curled his hands around Gintoki’s thighs, his fingers making imprints against the sun deprived skin. “ _I’m_ the one.. Who can’t resist you.” 

 

He felt Gintoki’s hands settle in his hair, practically vibrating with tension. Tatsuma tried to bite back his laugh, but it didn’t really work. 

 

_“Tatsuma,”_

 

Tatsuma’s cheeks hollowed out from the final, parting suck, before he pulled back with an audible pop. He pouted. 

 

“You don’t want to come from this?” He could feel Gintoki shudder through the grip he had on his thighs. “You don’t want me to suck you off?? Why not?” He felt the whine slipping back into his tone. Gintoki’s wishes took priority, of course, but he reeally was struggling to keep everything together, here. “I love giving you blow jobs. You look cute when you beg...” 

 

Haha! Oops. 

 

Tatsuma watched the splotchy, engine red blush begin to make its way from Gintoki’s neck up to his cheeks and ears. 

 

Well! Now that he’d started talking about things he shouldn’t, no reason to stop! 

 

“You make the best sounds, Gin-chan. You’ve got this one-- yes, the one you’re doing right now, where you try and avoid making any noise so you bite your lip, but instead you make these little, quiet whimpers, yeah? Like that, exactly like that. I love those whimpers. I wanna record them and then play them back when I’m alone and thinking about you. I’ll just be sitting there, staring at the stars, and think, that’s the sound he made when--”

 

“Tatsuma.” Gintoki’s voice sounded like he’d eaten glass. He had to swallow before he could continue the sentence. “Shut up and get to the good part.” 

 

It’s all the good part to Tatsuma. 

 

“Haha, sure, sure,” Tatsuma agrees easily, moving on. “Where’d you put the lube?” He tries to lift his head up to look for it, but Gintoki’s hands don’t release from his hair when he tries. Tatsuma absentmindedly grabs one of Gintoki’s wrists, lifting it off of his head. His fingernail scrapes across the veins in Gintoki’s skin as he grabs around for the lube, managing to grope Gintoki’s ass in the process. 

 

Speaking of Gintoki’s ass, it truly was a work of art. 

 

“Hey, Kintoki,” Tatsuma breathed, his point of concentration reducing as it took more and more effort to ignore his own desires. “How long’s it been?” 

 

He could hear Gintoki’s scowl even if he couldn’t see it. 

 

“I’m not like.. You, dumbass. I get my rocks off on a regular basis. All the ladies--”

 

“Since the last time we fucked, Gintoki.” Tatsuma doesn’t care about all that other stuff. That’s Gintoki’s business. What’s it got to do with him? He unscrews the lube and pours it all over his hands. 

 

“As if I’d remember something stupid like...” Gintoki trails off, eyes fixated on Tatsuma’s hands. Tatsuma was quite proud of his hands. “Which arcs you showed up for. Uh. Tatsuma... you’ve. Still got your clothes on.” 

 

That was the second time Gintoki had pointed that out. He usually didn’t bother with that kind of easily fixable detail.. 

 

Oh? 

 

Tatsuma beamed. You learn something new everyday. 

 

“I figure we can have sex like this, with you naked and me clothed, right, Gintoki?” He watched for a reaction, eyes glazed from anticipation. Gintoki bit his lip, then hissed and let out a slightly pained sound as he remembered too late that Tatsuma had already left them bruised. 

 

That’s what he’d thought. He rubbed his hands together, making sure the lube is properly spread around, then reached down and popped open the catch that kept his pants closed. 

 

“Okay!” His fingers were slick and wet, leaving cold goosebumps on Gintoki’s hips as he slid them around to grope his butt. 

 

“You’re hands are...” Gintoki hissed, swallowing to keep his voice even. It really made Tatsuma want to make him scream. “Cold, Tatsuma.” Sometimes, he just had to laugh. Tatsuma pulled Gintoki closer, grinding down on Gintoki’s cock through now only the thin layer of his own underwear. He could feel how warm, how hard, how desperate... Tatsuma forgot himself for a moment, his hands clawing a bit into Gintoki’s ass as he tried to pull him even closer, as close as he could possibly get--  
His hips rolled, the heat inside his head dizzying him. What had he been planning to do? 

 

“Ah.. ahaha, hey.. Gintoki..” Tatsuma dug his fingers deeper into Gintoki’s flesh, trying to somehow pull himself back together. “I don’t have a condom.” 

 

 _“Tatsuma, I Will Kill You.”_ Gintoki arched up beneath him, eyes glazed and cheeks flushed. His mouth was open, and he panted for every breath, making his chest rise and fall, pushing his nipples into Tatsuma’s chest...

 

Tatsuma took a deep breath. He sounded like he meant it, lol.

 

“I wanna be inside of you.... “ He couldn’t help himself. Ah, well. “So I guess I’ll have to pretend, really... really hard.” Haha, it’s a fantasy inside a fantasy. That’s what you get from text based mediums. “Hey, Gintoki...” Tatsuma’s fingers loosened from their death grip to slip towards where he’d been meaning to get before he got.. Distracted. “How about this? As an.. Apology for forgetting the condom...” Tatsuma beamed. “How about you accept this instead?” 

 

He bucked into Gintoki’s cock as his finger slipped inside from the other direction. Heat curling in his gut as his white flashes interrupted his tight grasp on what he was doing. 

 

Gintoki let out a hoarse groan.

 

“This is.. Vanilla stuff, Tatsuma. You gotta.. Try some advanced studies.” 

 

Oh, really?

 

“Great idea, Gintoki,” Tatsuma managed, dragging his gaze up from the grind of his underwear across Gintoki’s dick. His finger curled from its place inside of Gintoki. “I’ll bring you this cute vibrator I won at a casino the other day.” He wasn’t really able to process anything he was saying by this point. His hips thrashed faster. He was... almost.. “It’s pink and it’s remote controlled. Mentally. How cool is that, Gintoki? I could use that. I could give that to you and then say anytime you want to fuck just.. Just loosen yourself up and think about me, and then I’d be able to speak to you. I’d be able to say that I think you look really pretty when you spread your legs, and I like that sound you make when you--”

 

Gintoki’s head slammed back, finally giving in and starting his orgasm. 

 

_“Tatsuma,”_

 

“When you say my name.” The world was shaking, a little bit. Tatsuma gave in to his own climax, sinking into a sweet, hazy glow. He shucked off his now gross underwear and crawled on top of Gintoki, curling around him. 

 

“You know, on second thought, it’s a good thing that I didn’t have a condom. Alien Vector XXX (lol) spreads through **** to **** contact, you know! Ahahaha...”

 

There was a pause.

 

“Tatsuma. I’ll kill you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)


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